journeywithjayme

a very apt questions I think. The proposal is in the books, the wedding date set (for fall 2018) but why stop writing now? Jayme knows about the blog, that it exists. So does that mean I shouldn’t write? Pardon my french (side note, where does that phrase come from “pardon my french” do they just swear up a storm?) anyways, Fuck no. a ring and a stone mean nothing without the words to back it up. it is utterly ridiculous for me to think that I could type a few words for a year and think that could suffice for the rest of forever. Jayme is so special and so amazing that she deserves affirmation in every-day, in every-way. so when the moment strikes and all I can do is think about you then I will write. To pour the maple into the digital ether to await your eager eyes. Jayme I love you and cannot wait to continue this amazing journey with you. Thank you for one of the most normal, domestic and amazing weekend of my life.

From, Your best friend.

Here we are, the last post. The last time I will write in here before finally revealing the blog to Jayme. A bitter sweet moment for me, this blog has become apart of me, the memory of making it over the past year and a half  is something I will never forget. But like all good things it must come to an end. (queue great goodbye song)

With that being said, this is not a time for tears or sadness, it is time for a victory lap! I made it to the finish line and the start of the rest of my life. Jayme has been the greatest inspiration to me. I cannot express the gratitude I have for being afforded the opportunity to love her. Finding the one person who makes me better than I ever thought I could be is a feeling without equal. It is awesome to look back at all we have accomplished in only the short time we have been together, it is even more awesome to look forward at all that is on the horizon for us. There is nothing to hold us back.

So if you are reading this, my final destination is set. T-minus 23 hours till I get down on one knee and do the only thing I have truly felt destined for, making Jayme Lee my Mrs, my partner forever, the one who kicks me at night when I get too close, the one who wipes away my tears and bring me unending laughter and goofiness. And while this blog might be ending, our love story is just beginning.

“It’s not goodbye, It’s see-ya later”

The last wedding she will be my girlfriend for

Jayme’s To-do list she left me for Friday, I made a few changes 🙂

The to-do list Jayme left me for Friday, I made a few changes 🙂

83 hours, 4 minutes, and a handful of seconds until Jayme finishes up her conference and I propose marriage to her. Rarely do you see it written that way. Literally what I am doing is asking Jayme if she liked the idea of marrying me. Kind of a daunting question to ask a person when you are looking for an immediate answer. So I think it is safe to assume that she has been thinking about it, not just the abstract idea of marriage and being together for forever, but the actuality of it.

We are talking decades of existence, spending almost everyday with the same person. And depending who that person is, it can be the most exhilarating feeling. I feel like I am on the edge of a ledge, looking down at all these small figures that I can barely make out. They are kids, a dog, family reunions, building a house, a wedding… These things are mostly linked to this next step, the step that is now 5 minutes closer. The step that is done on one knee and with shaking hands. And while I can see over the ledge, I still have a few last things to tie-up before I can take the plunge.

Sure there are details to address, but the one I am referring to is talking with Jayme’s parents and seeing how they feel about me becoming a permanent fixture in their family. I already am in a family picture that is hanging, so I feel pretty good that I will get a positive response. I have been wanting to do this for a few weeks now, but the fact that me and Jayme do almost everything together and I cannot come up with a lie that is plausible and could give me a few hours to drive to her hometown has meant it kept getting pushed back. I was hoping to get a chance this last weekend when we were at her parents place for Easter celebration, but there was never a moment that wouldn’t be rushing it. So I will have to settle for a FaceTime call. So when Jayme leaves for her trip, the first thing I will is talk with the two people who raised this wonderful woman I cannot wait to ask to be my wife.

We are in the home stretch. fewer than 10 days I will be asking Jayme to be my wife and the one I come home to each and every night. It is kind of hard to believe that this is going to be a reality before long.

Life right now, feels stressful. I finally will be starting my new job, I have a bunch of pressure with changing careers and proving myself in a field I have not worked a day in, and along with the late night training’s, long days at work, and finalizing plans for the summer, I am trying to plan the perfect proposal. Where will I do it at? how will I make sure it is a surprise? What should I say? how will I make the moment memorable beyond her wildest dreams? I have thought about all the options I have and to be honest, it keeps me up at night, I don’t think I will be getting much for sleep at all over the next week or so. And while my head spins with options and how to plan the perfect proposal, I get hit with the reality of it all.

It. Does. Not. Matter.

The proposal is so insignificant in comparison to the love that it represents. So what if she knows it is gong to happen, or if it rains, or if I can’t find the perfect words. What really matters is what comes next, that ring on her finger, the shimmer in her eye, and the love in her heart. You can’t “win” the proposal by making it perfect, because as long as you have a fiance at the end of it, then you win.

and even with all that being said, Jayme, she, she deserves perfect. She sees passed the negative and polishes the good. she doesn’t look away she embraces the actuality and loves anyway. I want to yell right now, as loud as I can about how great she is, how she is my world, how this planet would be a better place if there were more people like her. What I am trying to say is, even though in the long run, the proposal doesn’t matter, I want to make it worthy of her and what she gives to me.

At the first holiday I got to spend with Jayme I was asked by two of her cousins (Anna and Claire) why they should approve of me dating Jayme? I took their question to heart and wrote letters to each of them that night and did my best to provide proof that I am good enough for her. And really, that is what I have been doing for the past year and half, trying to prove to the her, her family, the world, and myself, that I am worthy of her and who she is. And to be honest, I never will be. But this is the promise I make to her, that everyday, I will wake up, kiss her good morning, and dedicate myself to being worthy of her love.

It is not often I get caught off guard by cute things Jayme does, she is sweet always and never misses a beat with being the best partner for me. This morning however I felt that special flood of feels and was surprised.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, I was up coughing so I went to the other bedroom, I still struggled but eventually got to bed. I was groggy and was running behind. So that means no lunch, or coffee for sure. But the first sound I hear is of the peculating pot filling slowly. Jayme made me coffee, got my lunch together and wanted to make sure I had a “good start to the week. Because, important”. A pot of coffee and a salad were much more then just things, they were a transformative power. They were love, support, kindness, and everything other emotion that got me though today. This is only but an example of Jayme’s ability to focus on what is important. She makes sure I see my friends, that we visit with family, that we enjoy our life now and that we plan for the future.

It has been 74 posts and tens of thousands of words written that have gotten me to where I am today. Less than two weeks from a proposal. two weeks from the rest of my life. I used to fixate so much on that moment, making it perfect, you know… because, important. But after today I have realized, that one moment is not important on its own, it is the collection of all of them. The story of a life is not in snapshots but in memories in motion. Our story will not be a highlight real of “the best hits” but will be the entirety of our time, all the moments, small and big. There is nothing to leave out because, everyday is important.

Photo credit to our most recent bike and brew that was this weekend. Along with my Nephew’s Birthday comprised our weekend activities. That and being madly in love.

So I just finished up a few evening games of Rocket League. If you are unaware, Rocket League is a game where you drive a car with rocket boosters and try to score a large ball in your opponents goals by ramming your car into it. It sounds awesome because it is. I usually play with friends (REALLY I DO) but tonight I flew solo and listened to one of Jayme’s playlist that she created when we first started dating. It is always nice to be reminded of how deep our feelings have been since we started this journey together. There has been no doubt, there has been no epic fights, or even fleeting moments of concern. Jayme has been committed to me, to the idea of us since we first sat down for that night of Bingo. I am struck with that realization every time I listen to this playlist, look-back at pictures, or reminisce about our message strings.

The rain is falling right now, hard drops, soft drops, drops that splash, and drops that trickle. I close my eyes and listen to this song and I can see it, the moment I have been thinking about for so long, The moment when we realize what we have been moving towards. The day I get to hold her hand and ask her to take mine from now and for always. I see watching the rain on lazy Sundays, I see playing in puddles with a future family, I see driving through a storm with her by my side, secure and safe together.

My nights often end like this, at the computer writing about the woman who sleeps feet behind the white door. Trying to do right by her, to her, I am the man she believes me to be, the man she needs me to be. She might still be out of me league, but something tells me I will be climbing the leader-board real soon 🙂

A wrench is a very common tool, it can help loosen a bolt, tighten a nut, be an Impromptu hammer if needed, but the kind of wrench I am talking about today is the one that can challenge your plans. It turns out that I agreed to help my mom with my cousin’s bridal shower the Saturday of the proposal weekend. I would say that cooking wouldn’t be the ideal way to spend the day, but on the plus side I will get to show mom my the newest addition to her family!

We have to deal with little setbacks everyday, whether at work, on projects at home, or weekend plans with friends. For that reason, flexibility is beyond important in modern life. Having the flexibility to change your plans, avoid problems, or help someone in need will go along way to making all the days more enjoyable. I think Jayme and I exhibit that flexibility quite well. it is important to us both to focus on what matters in life and not bog ourselves down with what “is supposed to happen” and we react to “what does happen”. Sure the inconvenience at times can suck or that you didn’t plan to lose your debit card, but when it does happen and you have a great partner who “goes with the flow”, life becomes infinitely easier.

This reminds me of an early post I wrote about bending and not breaking. the flexibility that existed then is nothing compared to where we are now. I love having someone by my side who grows with me and not simply grows alongside me. We learn from each other, from our situations, and we share everything with each other (sans this blog of course.) I am astounded day at the woman Jayme continues to become, how, just when I think she cannot get any greater, she goes and changes what I know as love. She is no longer something seperate from who I am, but she is apart of me, without her, I am but a portion of what I have to offer. She makes the best parts of me better and the rest bareable.

And, to bring this back full circle, no matter the wrench that is put into our lives, I have no worry or concern that the situation cannot be dealt with. and like a good mechanic who is nothing without his tools, I am nothing with my babe.

No this is not the last post I will be writing, but this is a post about last times. I heard this new song (Last time for everything) and it inspired me to write about something we often don’t think about until it is too late.

I have been writing about new love, about experiencing “firsts” together with Jayme. When I told her I loved her, when we went to holidays, moving in together, the list goes on. But everything has an end. rarely do you get the chance to know that you are experiencing the last time something will happen. With Jayme the “last times” we have experienced have been good ones, last time driving to Wahpeton, last time sleeping in our dumpy old apartment. those are the types of last times that we are getting to experience right now and it is fantastic! But not all last times are those we relish.

I remember the last time I walked upstairs before I knew my parents were splitting up, the last time I got to put on a football helmet and play the game I love, the last time I got to play music for my grandma. Those last times are moments I would give anything to go back to. I want to appreciate them more, stay a little longer, walk a little slower, feel the air, savory everything. But, no matter what I would do different, they still would be those final moments, when the book closes and the memories are shelved to be remembered but never lived again. the finite finality of existence is what makes life what it is.

I want to live each moment like it might be the last of whatever I am doing, to be present in all situations and invest in those that matter. And Jayme is the center of that desire. Right now we are carefree (for the most part) settled but not stagnant, I want to make sure that I am able to give her the unbound and adventurous life we can have with no kids and limited responsibilities, so when our last day of that life ends that we are looking forward to the “firsts” and not longing for the “lasts”.

But right now, I am looking forward to the last time I call her my girlfriend and give her a title more fitting for my dedication, love, and complete devotion to her and our future life together.

The acronym above is for a TV show most people have seen. It is one of my favorites and I have recently started rewatching it. The show provides me comfort, not from the characters or anything specific really, but just the whole aesthetic. I feel the show is an old friend that I have not seen in years.

If you have not seen it, the show is based around Ted telling his kids how he met their mother. It is told almost exclusively in flashbacks. There are so many lessons you see him learn through dating and interactions with his friends. You really get the sense that the core of who he is and what he desires doesn’t change, but it is all those experiences that make him capable of being the perfect fit for his future wife. I liken my journey to meeting Jayme something similar.

I was not ready to love someone the way I love her a moment sooner then when we met. I was selfish, irresponsible, made questionable decisions, I was a much more tarnished version of myself. It took falling down multiple times to learn how to love and be myself. All of those struggles were painful and almost unbearable at times, but, in the end, they are all worth it. The prize of feeling worthy of this most special kind of love has no equal. I revel in it daily and am grateful that our paths crossed when they did, when I was ready to be the kind of partner Jayme deserved and desired.

I am excited to tell our kids someday the story of “how I met their mother“. I am sure they will listen patiently and barely care, but for me being able to tell the story is what is important. It means that we made it, that we established a family together and are continuing the journey we began back in the twilight of 2015. The next chapter in that story is coming very soon (not soon enough though). I had a day this week where I forgot that I had a ring on its way. All of a sudden I snapped back and sent my third “hey, just checking on how things are going” emails.

Jayme just asked me “what are you typing…” I guess it is time to wrap this one up early and go watch another episode!

I just had another one of those “I can’t breathe moments”. I get these sometimes. It started in Texas, when I was in my internship and forever away from family. I was told that I have anxiety. Every since that day I have managed that by cold air, sipping water, and taking my mind off of life. It works pretty well. The feeling I just got though was not induced by anxiety, but by Jayme. Readying through my posts I came to this one. after reading it and listening to some of the music tied to the nearby posts, I couldn’t fill my lungs, I felt like my heart was losing a race to nowhere. Our life was so simple, so perfectly simple. It was just about our love. We have had the amazing opportunity to know that all we need is love. That no matter what happens, as long as we have each other we will weather the storm. Build a life from nothing, win the lottery, lose it all, they are all the same as long as they include my darling.

Today I was walking back from a meeting outside. The fresh air is always a pleasant change for me. I felt the cool breeze and was just so lifted in my position in life. Jayme is to thank for all of that. She gives me life and supports me everyday. I am growing more impatient by the day to ask her to be mine. I am sure my salesperson is tired of my weekly emails, but whatever I can do to speed up the process is good for me.

I know someday you will read this Jayme, someday soon, and all I want to say right now is this. You are it for me, you always will be. I will be your best friend forever and cannot wait to grow old with you.